The suggestion made by our panel of six hundred "experts" represented yet another back-to-basics concept. It focused on committed love that is braced against the inevitable storms of life. There are very few certainties that touch us all in this mortal existence, but one of the absolutes is that were will experience hardship and stress at some point. Nobody remains unscathed. Life will test each of us severely, if not during younger days, then through the events surrounding our final days. Jesus spoke of this inevitability when He said to His disciples, "In this world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer I have overcome the world" (John 16:33)
Dr. Richard Selzer is a surgeon who has written two outstanding books about his beloved patients. MORTAL LESSONS and LETTERS TO A YOUNG DOCTOR. In the first of these texts he describes the experience of "horror" which invades one's life sooner or later. When we're young, he says, we seem to be shielded from it in the way the body is protected against bacterial infection. Microscopic organisms are all around us, yet out bodies' defenses effectually hold them at bay...at least for a season. Likewise, we walk in and through a world of horror each day as though surrounded by an impenetrable membrane of protection. We may even be unaware that distressing possibilities exist during the period of youthful good health. But then one day the membrane tears without warning, and horror seeps into our lives. Until that moment occurs, it was always someone else's misfortune...another man's tragedy...and nor our own. The tearing of the membrane can be devastated, especially for those who do not know the "good cheer" that Jesus gives in times of tribulation.
Having served on a large medical school faculty for fourteen years, I have watched husbands and wives in hours when horror began to penetrate the protective membrane. All too commonly, their marital relationships were shattered by the new stresses that invaded their lives. Parents who produced a mentally retarded child, for example, often blamed one another for the tragedy that confronted them. Instead of clinging to each other in love and reassurance, they added to their sorrows by attacking their partners. I do no condemn them for this human failing, but I do pity them for it. A basic ingredient was missing in their relationship which remained unrecognized until the membrane tore. That essential component is called...commitment.
I heard the late Dr. Francis Schaeffer speak to this issue about ten years ago. he described the bridges that were built in Europe by the Romans in the first and second centuries A.D. They are still standing today, despite the unreinforced brick and mortar with which they were made. Why haven't they collapsed in this modern era of heavy trucks and equipment? They remain intact because they are used for nothing but foot traffic. If an eighteen-wheeled semi were driven across the historic structures, they would crumble in a great cloud of dust and debris.
Marriages that lack an iron-willed determination to hang together at all costs are like the fragile Roman bridges. They appear to be secure and may indeed remain upright...until they are put under heavy pressure. That's when the seams split and the foundation crumbles. It appears to me that the majority of young couples today, like some of those competing on "The Newlywed Game," are in that incredibly vulnerable position. Their relationships are constructed of unreinforced mud which will no withstand the weighty trials lying ahead. The determination to survive together is simply not there.
In stressing the importance of committed love, however, the panel of six hundred was referring not only to the great tragedies of life but also to the daily frustrations that wear and tear on a relationship. These minor irritants, when accumulated over time, may even be more threatening to a marriage than the catastrophic events that crash into our lives. And yes, Virginia, there are times in every good marriage when a husband and wife don't like each other very much. There are occasions when they feel as though they will never love their partners again. Emotions are like that. They flatten out occasionally like an automobile tire with a nail in the tread. Riding on the rim is a pretty bumpy experience for everyone on board.
The following classified ad, which appeared in the Rocky Mountain News, proves my point.
WILL TRADE
Will trade my non-cooking and
non-shopping wife with attitude problem for one Super Bowl ticket.
No Indian-givers.
Call Jim, 762-1000.
Hurry.
Jim claimed that he wasn't kidding, although he was known to play practical jokes. He said the idea occurred to him the day after the AFC championship game, when it snowed heavily in Denver.
"She refused to go shopping," he said, "She said the roads were too slick, so she made me do it. I get tired of that stuff after a while. If I could get a Super Bowl ticket, it would be a one-way trip."
Sharon, his wife of eighteen years, was asked what she thought about his little advertisement.
"He's dead meat," she said.
The last time we checked, the couple had resolved their little misunderstanding and were still happily married. But this anecdote contains a message for newly married couples: Don't count on having a placid relationship. There will be times of conflict and disagreement. There will be periods of emotional blandness when you can generate nothing but a yawn for one another. That's life, as they say.
What will you do, then, when unexpected tornadoes blow through your home, or when the doldrums leave your sails sagging and silent? Will you pack it in and go home to Mama? Will you pout and cry and seek ways to strike back? Or will your commitment hold you steady? These questions must be addressed now, before Satan has an opportunity to put his noose of discouragement around your neck. Set your jaw and clench your fists. Nothing short of death must ever be permitted to come between the two of you. Nothing!
This determined attitude is missing from so many marital relationships today. I read of a wedding ceremony in New York a few years ago where the bride and groom pledged "to stay with you for as long as I shall love you." I doubt if their marriage lasted even to this time. The feeling of love is simply too ephemeral to hold a relationship together for very long. It comes and goes. That's why our panel of six hundred was adamant on this point. They have lived long enough to know that a weak marital commitment will inevitably end in divorce.
One writer wrote:
Marriage is no fairy tale land of enchantment. But you can create an oasis of love in the midst of a harsh and uncaring world by grinding it out and sticking in there.
Another said:
Perfection doesn't exist. You have to approach the first few years of marriage with a learner's permit to work out your incompatibilities. It is a continual effort.
Those views don't sound particularly romantic, do they? But they do carry the wisdom of experience. Two people are not compatible simply because they love each other and are both professing Christians. Many young couples assume that the sunshine and flowers that characterized their courtship will continue for the rest of their lives. Don't you believe it! It is naive to expect two unique and strong-willed individuals to mesh together like a couple of machines. Even gears have multiple cogs with rough edges to be honed before they will work in concert.
That honing process usually occurs in the first year or two of marriage. The foundation for all that is to follow is laid in those critical months. What often occurs at this time is a dramatic struggle for power in the relationship. Who will lead? Who will follow? Who will determine how the money is spent? Who will get his or her way in times of disagreement? Everything is up for grabs in the beginning, and the way these early decisions are made will set the stage for the future.
Therein lies the danger. Quoting the Lord Jesus, Abraham Lincoln said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." If both partners come into the relationship prepared for battle in those first two years, the foundation will begin to crumble. The apostle Paul gave us the divine perspective on human relationships-not only in marriage but in every dimension of life. He wrote, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”(Philippians 2:3)
That one verse contains more wisdom than most marriage manuals combined. If heeded, it could virtually eliminate divorce from the catalog of human experience.
